Worksheet · 15 minutes
Softened Three Times
A practical worksheet for people-pleasers — rewriting a real message so it says what you mean, without the three sorries.
Goes with the story Typing….
The Estate · theestate.world/reflect/softened-three-times
Before you start
Think of a request you want to turn down, or a need you’ve been avoiding saying. A real one, from this week. Have it in mind before you begin.
Steps
- Write the draft you’d normally send. Every sorry, every “no worries if not”, every offer to do it anyway.
- Count the softeners. Circle each sorry, each apology, each “I feel bad”, each escape hatch. Write the total in the margin.
- Find the actual message. Underneath, write what you mean in one sentence. For example: “I can’t organise this one.”
- Add one reason, if you want to. You don’t owe one, but one honest reason is fine. “I’ve got exams.”
- Add one kind thing that’s true. “I’d love to come though.”
- Read the new version out loud. Notice how it feels in your chest compared to the first.
Write
My usual version (with all the softeners):
The number of softeners I counted:
My honest version (one sentence, one reason, one kindness):
Sit with this
Alyah told Nia: “You softened it so much it’s not a no any more. It’s a yes with extra steps.” Where are you saying yes with extra steps?
The Ripple
Send one honest message this week. Then notice who replies with relief, the way Keisha did. You might be giving someone else permission too.
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Questions I Ask Myself
One story. One thought. One different direction.
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